It can sound a little cliché. When we imagine therapy, many of us picture a therapist asking deep, probing questions about childhood. At times, it may feel disconnected from the problems we’re facing in the here and now. I understand that skepticism—I used to share it.
In my early training as a therapist, childhood experiences were acknowledged but not emphasized. The focus was firmly on the present: identifying current problems, developing strategies, and finding solutions. I often wondered, why spend time revisiting things we can’t change when there are immediate challenges that need attention?
As my knowledge expanded, I came to see that perspective as incomplete. Present-focused therapy is undeniably valuable, especially for clients navigating new anxiety, recent life changes, or acute stress who need support getting back on track. However, when we are working with longstanding patterns, deeply rooted emotional responses, trauma reactions, or questions of identity, focusing only on the present can fall short. At times, it can even feel invalidating, as though the origins of these struggles are being overlooked.
My approach began to shift as I trained more extensively in trauma-focused modalities, including EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). I came to understand that our early experiences play a profound role in shaping how we show up in the world today.
As children, our minds are like vast, open canvases. We begin forming templates, core beliefs about ourselves, others, and the worldbased on our early experiences. These templates are not created in isolation; they are shaped through relationships, environments, and the messages we receive, both explicitly and implicitly.
Over time, we continue to build on these foundations. New experiences layer onto old ones, often reinforcing existing beliefs. To truly understand present-day patterns—especially in relationships—we need to explore where those templates began. How did early relationships shape our sense of self? What did we learn about how we need to behave to be accepted, loved, or safe?
For example, do you find yourself avoiding conflict? Prioritizing others’ needs at the expense of your own? Experiencing intense emotional reactions when you feel unheard? Shutting down, isolating, or wanting to escape? These responses don’t emerge out of nowhere—they often make sense when viewed through the lens of early experiences.
In my work with clients, I am deeply curious about how their sense of self was shaped. What messages did they receive about who they needed to be? What was praised, ignored, punished, or shamed? How did they learn what was acceptable in relationships—with others and with themselves?
As an EMDR therapist, I invite clients to explore these questions with me—especially when affirmations, self-help strategies, or even repeated rounds of CBT haven’t led to lasting change. By becoming curious about early life experiences, we begin to map out how someone came to be who they are today. More importantly, we can identify the areas that remain unhealed, the wounds that continue to influence present-day thoughts, emotions, and behaviours.
This process allows us to move beyond simply managing symptoms. It helps us process and integrate experiences that may still be held in the nervous system, often driving repetitive cycles in our lives.
I’ve come to believe that revisiting childhood in therapy is not cliché, it is essential. Yes, we cannot change the past. But we can change how it lives within us.
In embracing this perspective, I’ve witnessed many individuals break free from longstanding patterns that once felt immovable. By understanding the roots of their experiences, they’ve been able to build a more compassionate relationship with themselves, healthier connections with others, and a more grounded, flexible way of seeing the world.
Sometimes, the path forward begins by looking back.