Embracing Radical Acceptance: Understanding and Letting Go of the Need to Change Others
As a therapist, one of the most profound shifts I witness in my clients is when they begin to embrace radical acceptance—especially when it comes to the behavior of others. You might wonder, what is radical acceptance? Borrowing from the work of Tara Brach (if you don’t know her, you should!), radical acceptance means coming to terms with how things actually are, not how you may desire them to be. It’s a practice that calls on us to let go of the alternative reality or fantasy of how things should or ought to be. This concept, though seemingly simple, is very hard in execution. However, it holds deep transformative power that can release us from the exhausting cycle of trying to change or control the people around us. It invites us to let go of the frustration, disappointment, and tension that arise when we expect others to act, think, or be a certain way.
Radical acceptance is not about condoning unhealthy behavior or resigning ourselves to abuse or mistreatment. Rather, it’s about accepting that, despite our best efforts, we cannot control the actions or emotions of others. It’s a mindset that allows us to preserve our energy and peace of mind by recognizing the limits of what is within our control—and, more importantly, acknowledging that other people's behavior, opinions, and actions belong to them, not us.
The Burden of Trying to Change Others
As humans, we are naturally inclined to influence those around us, especially the people we care about. We might try to change someone's behavior because we believe it would improve their lives or even our relationship with them. Perhaps we wish for them to be more communicative, considerate, to go to therapy or to adopt healthier habits. We may long for them to treat us better or show up more for us. There’s nothing wrong with wanting the best for others, but when our sense of peace becomes dependent on their transformation, we place an enormous, often invisible burden on ourselves.
Trying to change others can be emotionally draining, and it can lead to frustration and powerlessness. We get caught up in an inner battle of believing that a better reality exists if only the other person would change. We may end up feeling resentful, as the more we push for change, the more resistance we encounter. The fact is, we cannot control other people—no matter how much we love them, how well we communicate, or how well-intentioned our actions may be.
When we spend all of our energy trying to change others, we neglect the most important person in the equation: ourselves. We can pour endless amounts of time and effort into trying to “fix” someone else, only to find that nothing shifts. This dynamic can create ongoing tension, as our expectations clash with reality, leaving us emotionally depleted.
The Power of Radical Acceptance
Radical acceptance offers a different path—one rooted in compassion and self-awareness. It involves accepting things as they are, without judgment or the desire to force them to change. Many people struggle with this at first, questioning if I am advocating for passivity. Rest assured, I am not. By truly coming to terms with our reality—whether it involves someone’s behavior, their failure to adhere to our boundaries, or poor treatment of us or themselves—we engage in the first step toward change. However, this change is within us, not focused on forcing change upon others. It is nearly impossible to change things we have not accepted.
Radical acceptance is the acknowledgment that we cannot change people’s core essence or make them act in ways that align with our preferences. Instead, we focus on our own emotional responses and how we choose to react to them. Sometimes practicing radical acceptance means coming to terms with the lack of change in someone despite numerous promises or plans, which may even require us to walk away. Other times, it simply means modifying our expectations of others so we are no longer surprised or disappointed when they act inappropriately/relapse/ let us down/ FILL IN THE BLANK. We allow ourselves to accept things as they are and then choose how we want to respond.
What Does This Look Like in Practice?
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Accepting People as They Are
Radical acceptance involves recognizing that every person has their own journey, shaped by their experiences, challenges, and limitations. Understanding this allows us to release unrealistic expectations that others should behave in a way that suits our needs. When we accept people as they are—without attempting to “fix” them—we foster deeper compassion and empathy.
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Letting Go of the Need to Control
Trying to control others is not only futile, but it also robs us of the opportunity to create healthy, balanced relationships. Radical acceptance invites us to release this desire and, instead, focus on what we can control—our own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. By letting go of the need to change someone else, we create space for mutual respect and understanding. We stop seeing others as projects to be fixed and, instead, embrace them as they are, flaws and all.
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Focusing on Our Own Growth
When we accept others fully- meaning we come to terms with where they are at- we redirect our energy back toward ourselves—toward our own growth, healing, and well-being. We focus on the behaviors we can change in our own lives, rather than trying to mold others. This doesn’t mean we no longer care for others or stop offering support; it simply means we acknowledge the boundaries of our influence. We recognize that others are responsible for their own growth, just as we are responsible for ours.
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Setting Boundaries
Radical acceptance also involves setting healthy boundaries. While we may accept someone’s behavior, that does not mean we allow ourselves to be mistreated or disrespected. Acceptance does not imply passivity—it means having the strength to accept the reality of a situation while taking action to protect our well-being. We can still love and care for someone from a place of radical acceptance, but we also learn to stand firm in our needs and respect our personal limits. At times, this may call for space or altogether ending a relationship, though not always.
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Cultivating Inner Peace
Perhaps the most profound benefit of radical acceptance is the inner peace it brings. When we stop trying to change others, we free ourselves from the constant tug-of-war that drains our emotional energy. We become more present in the moment, allowing ourselves to enjoy relationships for what they are, rather than constantly striving to alter them into something else. This acceptance creates a space for genuine connection, free of judgment, expectation, and anxiety.
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Radical Acceptance: Acknowledging Reality Without Approval
Coming to terms with reality as it stands can be extremely challenging. Radical acceptance does not require liking or agreeing with what’s happening. It’s not about denying that there may be better choices or alternative paths available—it’s about recognizing that fighting against the current situation or trying to change others to fit our desires is exhausting and often unproductive.
For example, imagine you are at risk of losing your job. Radical acceptance involves acknowledging the reality of the situation: yes, you may lose your job. This acceptance doesn’t require you to be happy about it or to condone it, but it does mean that you recognize the facts as they are. From there, the focus shifts to how you choose to respond. Do you continue arguing with your boss, hoping for a different outcome, or do you acknowledge the reality and take proactive steps—such as reaching out to your network or seeking support—to navigate the next steps?
Radical acceptance is about embracing the current situation with full awareness, and then focusing on constructive action, rather than expending energy on resistance or frustration.
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Radical Acceptance and Its Impact on Relationships
Radical acceptance can fundamentally transform relationships. Rather than approaching interactions with an agenda of “fixing” or “changing” others, we engage from a place of deep understanding and mutual respect. This shift allows for greater authenticity and deeper connections. People feel seen and heard, and in turn, we feel more at ease because we are no longer bound by the need to change them.
It’s important to note that radical acceptance doesn’t mean we condone harmful behavior or accept toxic dynamics. In fact, embracing radical acceptance means we give ourselves permission to walk away from unhealthy situations. It’s not about tolerating mistreatment; it’s about seeing the situation clearly and making decisions that honor our well-being.
Conclusion
In my work as a therapist, I have seen time and again how radical acceptance can lead to profound healing. When we stop exhausting ourselves in the effort to change others and instead focus on our own growth, we free ourselves from unnecessary suffering. The relationships that result from radical acceptance are more peaceful, authentic, and loving. People are allowed to be themselves, and we are allowed to be ourselves, too—without the weight of trying to change one another. This is the beauty of radical acceptance: it’s not about surrendering to things that harm us, but about letting go of the need to control the uncontrollable, while taking responsibility for our own emotional and mental well-being.