In honor of October, which is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I wanted to spend some time discussing some of the challenges that exist after a person has left an abusive relationship. For purposes of this article, I use the word person to be inclusive of the experiences of all genders.
Navigating an abusive relationship requires severe adaptation of the brain. When living with a person who is unpredictable, whose use of power and control tactics is continually shifting in an effort to get something they want or avoid something they don't want, the experience of this is exhausting, both mentally, emotionally, and physically.
When the amygdala, which plays an important role in detecting threat, is repeatedly activated, it can create what is often referred to as "amygdala hijacking." In these moments, the brain's capacity to pause, reflect, weigh options, and think about long-term consequences can become hindered because the immediate priority is safety. This is not a failure of someone's ability to think or make decisions; rather, it is the brain adapting to circumstances in which survival has taken priority. Thinking beyond the day-to-day can become incredibly difficult when so much mental and emotional energy is being devoted to anticipating what might happen next and finding ways to remain safe.
When our survival mechanism is engaged, high levels of cortisol, norepinephrine, and adrenaline are released into the body. This further compounds matters by creating high stress upon the body and its organs. Life's energy becomes poured into navigating ways to be "safe enough" in the day-to-day, predicting outcomes, and working to prevent one's partner from becoming upset so they can avoid detrimental consequences.
Thinking beyond the day-to-day becomes challenging. This works to the advantage of the perpetrator, as they gain more control over decisions and convince the other person they are incapable.
Living in such a state long-term has long-term implications for how the brain perceives and processes information. Because it is necessary for survival, the brain will work to identify risks and dangers long before someone in a different circumstance may. The amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for detecting threat and mobilizing either a fight, flight, or freeze response, works overtime and can change in response to chronic stress and trauma.
Given the different experiences one may have in an abusive relationship—emotional abuse, physical or sexual abuse, economic abuse, intimidation, use of threats, experiencing minimization, denial, or blame—an individual's psychological defenses become eroded.
Once safety is restored, either through an environmental change such as leaving the relationship, these challenges don't necessarily go away. The experience of IPV is relational trauma, and trauma doesn't heal simply with time or disappear in a new environment.
A person's brain can become rewired to continue detecting potential threats in every environment where there are others. The brain hasn't fully absorbed the idea of safety, and the adaptive way the brain rewired itself for survival remains in place.
An individual may continue to be plagued by flashbacks, visually or emotionally, nightmares, extreme hypervigilance, shutdown, or dissociation during periods of stress or when triggered relationally, long after leaving the relationship.
Working with survivors of intimate partner violence requires a trauma-informed lens and trauma treatment. In my experience in doing this work, positive affirmations, time spent in safety, deep breathing, and yoga are not enough on their own. While those skills can be helpful and provide the brain with temporary relief, a fundamental component of healing is addressing what caused the brain to change: the trauma itself.
For anyone reading, help is healing. You are not alone and things can get better. Reach out to learn how.